10 stupid things I've learned from Mortal Kombat 9 (minor story spoilers)

I've never really been into Mortal Kombat, despite fighters being one of my favorite genres. I only played a few versions in arcades, and quickly convinced myself that it was a bloodier, shittier Street Fighter. This impression was completely changed by the new Mortal Kombat game for Xbox 360 and PS3 (abbreviated to MK9 from here on to avoid confusion, because dammit it's the ninth game).

I want to be very clear about this- I am loving this game. I'm starting to think it might be the best fighter this year, Marvel be damned. It's one of the first fighting games I've seen actually pull a story off well, as well as offer more content in single and multiplayer than you could shake a severed leg at. It's got a great engine, a deep yet accessable combo system, and is probably the best MK yet.

I emphasize that I like it so much because I'm going to spend this whole post bitching about some of the really stupid things that I've noticed.

10: No one uses their head
The return of gory fatalities is the one of most well known features of MK9. Between the X-ray attacks and the two fatalities per character, you're going to see more innards than any previous Mortal Kombat has shown. I noticed a common theme throughout most of these- this game has a complete disregard for human heads.

Nearly every fatality involves the removal or destruction of the head of the opponent, and in most cases that's just the first thing they do before mutilating the body. I don't understand it. The only people that would be hurt by what goes on post-decap are the founders of the Geneva Convention from all the rolling they'd be doing in their graves.

9: Raiden is senile
The plot of MK9's (remarkably well done) story mode is that Raiden is receiving visions from his future self, the purpose of these being to prevent Shao Khan from kicking the world's ass. His goal is to use said visions to change the future so that Shao Khan never conquers Earthrealm (our world). At first, this is handled with all the care and twists that a time changing plot deserves, but by the end the sheer amount of fuck ups that Raiden makes is too long to count. From what I understand, he's supposed to be an immortal pseudo-god of thunder. Why is he incapable of doing anything right?

For the record, it's not just me that feels this way. The other characters in game get angry at Raiden for sucking at everything he does throughout the story, and by the end that's almost all they talk about. Raiden, we've had a good run. You've killed loads of people and done a damn good job of it. But I think it's time to consider moving to a home.

8: NetherRealm has no concept of difficulty curve
One of the biggest single player offerings in MK9 is the Challenge (Khallenge?) Tower- a collection of 300 missions that require to you win fights and mini games with all sorts of conditions. For the most part the missions are creative, and provide an interesting take on the standard MK fare. Every several missions, however, you'll come across a mission that's just ridiculously difficult compared to the others for no real reason.

For example- there's a mission somewhere in the 70s where you have to take on Reptile, Ermac, and Goro in a row with Baraka. Anyone who knows MK knows that this is a far cry from fair. The condition is that you get a damage buff for every combo you do that gets or exceeds 5 hits, but as none of the listed combos in game have that many, you need to have spent some time in training to nail down at least one or two decent Baraka combos just to clear the mission. By contrast, only a few missions before this you have to fight 3 generic baddies in a row who have no specials and lowered health. What?

7: Canonically, no one ever kills anybody
Last I checked, Mortal Kombat is all about kicking someone's ass and doing terrible things to their head. So why do you never get to use fatalities in story mode? Enemies are left alive only to come back with a vengeance again and again throughout the story. Why do they ignore the Mortal part of the title?

Now to be fair, the story does do a pretty good job of giving reasons as to why the bad guys aren't killed most of the time. A character may not want to kill who they're fighting because they like them, or never planned to kill to begin with, or need the ass kick-ee to do something for them, etc. But there are plenty of occasions where a fight is hyped up against a significant villain, and not killing them off afterwards is just not in the MK spirit.

6: Shao Khan is a goddamned juggernaut
This probably isn't news to any MK fans out there, but Shao Khan is ridiculously powerful. Before MK9 came out, some people were upset that Shao Khan was deconfirmed from being playable. It's clear now why he's not- he is absolutely obscene. Anything you can do he can do better, and probably take a third of your health with.

Nothing about Mr. Khan is fair. He only takes about half damage, his X-ray does 52% of your health, his hammer projectile does enough stun to allow him to do an infinite with those alone (though the AI seems to be limited to 3 before he just hits you), and he has armor on almost all of his moves. This isn't just super armor where you can break it in two hits though, no. This is a variant called random ridiculous bullshit armor where most of the time no amount of hits will stop him, but every once in a while he'll get jabbed out of the same moves. The only sure thing about Shao Khan is that he will ruin your face repeatedly before you beat him.

5: NetherRealm is bad at making arcade sticks
One of these things is not like the others.

One of these things just doesn't belong.

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

I realize that it's the MK layout, but the game is so pad friendly and that layout is so strange that there's no real reason to get this thing. Don't bother.

4: No one reads manuals anymore
MK9 has no manual. That's not an exaggeration. When you open a new copy, you get a "katalog" of merchandise, the code you need to play online, and a single piece of paper folded like a manual that contains nothing but the necessary warnings and legalese. It is essentially just the cover with no pages inside. When your included ads are more numerous than your instructions, you've done something wrong.

3: Uppercuts are the most powerful technique to ever exist
Uppercuts have always been a force to be reckoned with in fighting games, but most of them have a reason for it. The Street Fighter Shoryuken, for example, is a huge jumping uppercut with a fancy spin on the way up. That's a gigantic punch. MK9 uppercuts (one of the normals that everyone has some variation of), are executed from a crouch and are done with the arm alone. Despite this, they take a huge chunk of damage and launch people into the air. What?

This isn't an issue with the game or anything, it's just weird. Why does a punch with no special attributes out damage almost every other normal and projectile in the game? I might understand it on some characters, like Sheeva or Jax, but having this tiny punch of doom just looks weird.

2: Liu Kang is inexplicably well liked
Let's be honest- Liu Kang is boring. He's a shaolin monk, and...that's it. Despite this, he canonically wins almost every tournament ever. Why?

I've always had a very Street Fighter-y vibe from this guy, as if Ryu and Fei Long somehow spawned someone even more boring. Fireballs, parries, and fucking bicycle kicks, all accompanied with ridiculous yells and noises that no one would ever make in a fight. I realize that he's been in almost every game and has played a large part in the story, but given that the concept for the plot was a re-imagining of the plot from the start of the series, it's a shame that a character so dull still plays such a huge part. That said, he does have a couple great moments, and what he says to Raiden throughout the end game are some of my favorite lines in the story, so that says something. Still, fuck Liu Kang, dragon fatality and all.

1: The Krypt is really fucking stupid
I mentioned before that there's a ton of stuff to unlock. The vast majority of said stuff can be unlocked through The Krypt, where you spend the Koins you earn from playing the game to unlock goodies. Unfortunately, it isn't exactly that simple to use.

The Krypt is basically a giant map with 5 areas in it. 4 of the areas contain the stuff you can unlock, while the last, the Nekropolis, holds all your swag, as well as character models and bios. Notice I mentioned the map is giant. That is because you need to navigate each area manually to find each individual unlock, which are numbered. You have no idea what you're getting until you pay for it, and having to move from spot to spot to unlock stuff takes longer than this sort of thing should. Every time you select an unlock and pay, an animation plays that either opens a grave somehow (in the first area) or does something with a body (the other 3). The animations tend to take a while, and honestly they're not even worth watching once. You can skip these, but be wary if the animation doesn't skip right away, because there might be a pop scare.

Yeah, that's right. The Krypt has pop scares for no reason. Once in a blue moon you'll be unlocking something, and then RAAAAR MONSTER IN YOUR FACE DEAL WITH IT. There's no reason for this, honestly.  It's not like MK is a horror series, why have jump scares? It's stupid. The only word I have for that is stupid.

Conclusion
MK9 is an amazing game. It really is. If you like fighters at all, get it. If you like MK, get it yesterday. If you're on the fence, get it anyway because it's surprisingly accessible to newbies, even without a manual (sigh). I have to emphasize: these things are basically the only bad parts of the game. It's a great title, online or off, and you're going to have fun so long as you're not too squeamish about blood and such.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to practice my Quan Chi so I can do this to people: