Music is Strange: an analysis of "Last Kiss"

I get bothered by lyrics a lot. This is one of those songs.

(listen along!)

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world. 

Sadness! Bereft! A classic tale of boy loses girl. Strangely upbeat tune though.

 We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far

There in the road, up straight ahead
A car was stalled, the engine was dead

Oh no, conflict! A change from the norm!
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right

Wait. Wait wait wait. Hold up. Are you telling me that when you saw a large object directly in front of you on the road your first reaction was to turn right? As in, the direction where there isn't road? Since this is Pearl Jam we know there's no Englandian left lane trickery, so either this guy was in the wrong lane to begin with or he decided to veer into who-knows-what. Regardless he doesn't belong behind the wheel.

I'll never forget the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

This doesn't make sense anymore! You know exactly what happened: you drove your dumb ass into a wall or something to that effect and your girlfriend freaked the fuck out before she died horribly! And it's your fault! Don't act like you don't know what you did!

  

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down
There were people standing all around

"Dude, did you see this idiot? He ran right into a fucking guardrail for no reason! It was awesome! Let's stare at it and get in the way of the paramedics!"
Something warm runnin' in my eyes

But somehow I found my baby that night

The hell? Wasn't she riding with you? Look to your right, you've already proved you're good at that.
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said
"Hold me darling just a little while."

Remarkably coherent for a car crash victim. I guess "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE OW HELP" didn't sound as good. Also, I like how they skipped the obvious rhyme with "said".
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss

You didn't like her before, but now that she's dead you're down? Blaaaah no no no this is wrong
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight

NO THAT IS WRONG
I lost my love, my life that night.  

And then he just "oooo"s a lot like he's musing on it. No. This song is terrible. Never again. And stop requesting this on the radio, people who live in my town. What is wrong with you.